The Reader's Doglist presents the Beginner's Guide To Snooks

It's a rough, tough, guff old worurld out there, where goat eats goat and where you never know if the person standing behind you is going to leapfrog over your head and get the last seat on the bus before you do. In today's society it's competition, competition, competition. In fact, it's even more than that...it's competition. And with it comes stress, anger and loose bowels. Why do we do it? Woluldn't it be nice if football teams agreed a score of nil-nil before each game, then played their socci-socks off for 90 minutes avoiding all attempts at goal? Wouldn't it be nice??!

This is where SNOOKS comes in. The only game where no one wins or loses, and where there is no discernible aim. All you require is a basic knowledge of the rules and the ability to avoid looking serious.

It's cheap. There's no need for equipment and you can play it anywhere you can find a non-see-through vertical surface. In fact, it's so flexible, you don't even need to have another player. Or you can have 50 if you want. And you can introduce into the game whatever clothing, headgear and facial adornments you like. Invent your own kit, develop your own moves, try out the game in a hundred and eighty three locations.

It's here at last. The beginners guide to SNOOKS which will get you playing in one easy lesson.

	Here we see the classic snooks pitch. This is epicentre of Snooks playing and a place of pilgrimage for all enthusiasts. A neat alcove; a tiled corridor. blank walls. It's crying out for colour. It's begging for action.
Jog Smilth demonstrates a snooks standard. It might not be very exciting, but it's a good opening gambit for snooks devotees. It's best to start with a half body exposure like this, but later you'll want to lean into the snooks position further, in order to create the disembodied head effect. The appearance of the left arm somewhat detracts from the overall manouevre, but Smilth has rectified this in his second move which can be seen below.
	The left arm has now been drawn into the main playing area and is in a suitably unorthodox position. A fine snooks effect has been created which earns him a good dix points. It should be added that all scores in snooks are dix points. A score of nul points is only given if a contestant fails to show. If a contestant fails to show, but is found hiding behind the snooks wall suffering from nerves, a score of dix points can be awarded on Tuedays. If a contestant fails to show and cannot be found, or is very heavily camouflaged, the score is nul points, although he / she / it may apply for dix points at a later date by post with a s.a.e. This may only be done on Wednesdays.
Smilth's 3rd move in this beginners' bout sees the left arm repositioned back outside the main snooks playing area. But it has been splendidly off-set by the bucket. Even at this elementary level there is room for special manoeuvres involving basic household items. At the more advanced stages the items used should be more exotic. However, the inclusion of a coal scuttle is always a hit, both for the experienced and the novice. After a few simple lessons, we're sure you'll want to get hold of one of these things and bring it along to the game.
	Snooks should always be full of surprises. Smilth's piece de resistance is the vertically inverted half-body side-slip with bucket. It's dix points all round for this simple but effective end to the bout. Note the coal scuttle standing by for the next round.
It is generally believed that the game Snooks had its origins in Ancient Greece. What finer location coluld there be for Snooks than the Parthenon. It's a Snooks pitch par excellence with multiple vertical non-see-through surfaces (pillars) allowing ranks of eager Snooks players to participate en masse. You could say, it's what Parthenons are made for.
	Aeropus the Lycenaestian often demonstrated some deft ancient snooks playing. One of the interesting factors in ancient Greek snooks was the ability of the Greeks to detach their arms.


	As these Ancient Greek busts show, detachable arms were common at that time. It was a facility that gave Snooks an added dimension and increased its popularity throughout the Ancient Worurld.

	Aeropus made the most of his detachable arms and often appeared in his second move wearing a coal scuttle. Academics have disputed the authenticity of this, claiming that the Greeks did not have the concept of a coal scuttle. What they don't realise is that to deploy a coal scuttle in Snooks doesn't need a concept. Well done Aeropus. It shows that you can bring into Snooks just about anything; even if there is no concept for it.

Part 2

To the untrained eye, this attempt at Snooks by the Reverend Tubby Clayton might seem innovative. Do not be deceived. Dogs and dog collars might be amusing, but the purity of the game is lost threefold; appearance is from a receptacle; it relies on horizontal rather than vertical coverage; the effect is lost by allowing both shoulders to emerge at simultaneously.

Tubby leaps from a possible nul to dix points with a simple adjustment. His dog, Alan IV, has even opened up the possibility for a bonus. Without any previous training back at the vicarage, or bribery with Goodboy Chocdrops, Alan has added his own neat manoeuvre to this bout of Snooks. It shows how quickly animals can catch on to the game. No more running madly after thrown balls for Alan. It's Snooks all the way. Why cock a leg at a vertical surface when you can use it for Snooks?

Some splendid rural Snooks here. The goats have already got stuck in and a couple of rustic coves (Farouk Pebthwaite, left, and Harry B Propolis, right) have donned some exotic gear to give the occasion that added piquancy. This Arcadian tableau is topped by none other than Ralph Borland in his inflatable flak jacket. Some people go to the countryside to eat strawberry picnics and mushroom salad. Not these chaps. If there's a haystack handy, they'll be a-Snooking till sundown.

	Iris Warble, a passionate devotee of Snooks, tried for years to get the sport recognised by the Olympic committee.. Although unorthodox events such as Synchronised Shouting, Spitting into South Harrow, International Parking and Clog Shuffling have all been given serious consideration for 2012, her stand for Snooks was rejected out of hand. Outrageous! The reason was her uncompromising demand that all participants should receive a gold medal. Keep holding that torch high, Iris.
Iris in training with her sister, Aggie.
	A rare picture.The Kingston Bagpuize Snooks team take a well earned break from the 24 hour international Snook-a-thon of 1925. 83 teams in all took part and a specially designed podium was designed so that all participants could stand on it and be declared winners.

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